Butterfly 蝴蝶

By Lauren Lee

“Butterfly 蝴蝶” is an ode to my great-grandmother, who passed away a few years ago. On occasion, the butterfly of her spirit still flies by.

Bye-bye butterfly
It's time to fly away
You’ve spent some time on mother earth
But I wonder, how is it up in heaven?

Just know that I think of you every single day
You fill my mind with happiness
Hazy memories of my early years 
Are held within a frame of you

Thoughts ingrained in my mind 
Your words coming to me rapidly
Even when I couldn't understand you
Every time you spoke in Taishanese

Your hair was an elegant gray
Your perm was perfectly styled
But I never saw you leave the house
How did you keep it curled?

Remember when you made me
Chicken noodle soup?
Ladling it with those shaky hands
I never did say thank you

Watching the world pass by
You sat outside 
Yet in all of those years
I never saw you in your own habitat
In your own room

I will never understand
How you sat for hours on the porch
With the sun on your face and wind in your eyes
You rested and watched, not even lifting a finger

Remember when you wanted me
To take your big old jacket
Every time you stuffed it in my arms
I wish I could take it from you now 

I’ll never forget your prickly moods 
Your eyes heavy older person blues
But with me you laughed, your eyes wrinkling
With your warm husky chuckle

If I had known you would be gone
I would have studied harder
To understand your boring lectures
To keep you company in conversation

Born in a small village in China
Where the chickens run wild,
The oxen loiter by the water
And pigs rampant with fleas

You lived in Taishan
Where the houses are made of stones
No doors or running water
And the bathroom shared by everyone

The first in your family to leave and explore
The great new world of America
Looking back at it all,
Did you ever accomplish that American dream?

You did accomplish that American dream
That dream of a better life
That dream of happiness
I became that dream

Every life you planted in that great new world
We’re thankful for the lives you gifted
Every opportunity ever given
Owed to you forever

Thank you for your butterfly
It has blessed me all this way
I know you are flying by me
Each time I catch the smell of thread

Hidden in your room
The thump of the machine
Each thread with its own smell
The warm aroma of textile fibers that fills the air

The smell of home
The smell of love
Even now when I walk into your room
I am sure I feel you flying by

Can you sew for me one more memory before you go away?
I wanted to say those words to you
But you were gone too soon 
所以我说再见蝴蝶

Process

One day when l was in elementary school, my sister and I were trying to make Bead Pets. No matter how strictly we followed the instructions, we couldn’t seem to get it. After showering, I found a finished beaded butterfly on the table. My great grandmother had finished the beading without even looking at the instructions! The butterfly remains the most precious keepsake I have of hers. I wrote the poem with the metaphor of my beautiful great grandmother as a butterfly. My mentor helped me bring the sensory memories of my great grandmother to life on paper and helped me rememember images of her that I had not thought of in a long time.

Performance