By Fiona Hernandez

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This piece offers a discussion on how 2020 was a year that gave me time to reflect on myself.

Sometimes, I’m afraid to let people know who I really am, so I put on a mask where I show a different part of myself. Even when I meet different people and encounter different situations, I’m showcasing how I want to be looked upon and treated. But sometimes, I do hide behind these masks. 

I once thought I knew myself. I remember back in 2020, when the whole world shut down because of the coronavirus pandemic. I was forced to pack up my bags and come back home for the remainder of the semester. During that time I stayed home, I really got to find out who I was. I was closed off, not wanting to talk to anyone, and staying all day in front of a computer. For so long I would look around and be happy as I got to spend time with my friends and family. But I was upset, lonely, not being able to even encounter people because of the fear of COVID. 

So much of what I learned in 2020 made me reflect on several things. As I took out my pen and journal, I began to write. I wrote about my feelings, and emotions. It became a collection of not only my thoughts, but my experiences and how I live my life. This journal became a place for me to learn more about life and more about myself. It became a place where I can really feel myself and my emotions writing about when I’m upset, when I’m happy, when I’m worried, and when I’m excited! It shows me how I’ve developed, grown, and changed to be the person I am. I learned not to take things for granted. I learned to be grateful for the little things in life. This part of my life also taught me that it’s okay to have these different feelings and life isn’t always about the good times. As the saying goes, we have to appreciate the bad times in our lives, to get through the good times. 

You can learn so much about yourself and the kind of person you are through the good times and the bad times. Stress that you see in yourself, learning from your mistakes, is a part of being human and growing as a person. It is part of the process of getting to know yourself.

I’ve worn the happy mask, sad mask, pity “poor me” mask, caretaker mask, mask of confidence, defensive mask, and yes the peer pressure mask. Sometimes we don’t have a choice right? We have to put on a mask to be present for someone we love despite our own emotions or we have to make it through a demanding work/school day without the option of “letting down our guard”….I’ve worn these masks because sometimes I’ve wanted to fit in with other people. When my friends are all happy about something, even when I might be sad about something, I want to feel happy for them too, and I will wear my happy mask. Or sometimes when I want to fit in with the crowd, and do the latest trend that’s happening for people like me, I’ll follow the peer pressure mask.  

I felt so left out in high school and felt forced to put on the “peer pressure” so that I could fit in. Girls would look up the latest trends on Instagram or Snapchat, and I felt I had to be a part of that too so I could belong. Unlike the other masks I’ve worn, this is the one I actually put on but felt. I’ve even felt the “loner” mask. Unlike the other masks I’ve worn, this isn’t the one that I’ve “put on” but actually felt. It’s where it was hard for me to fit in with my peers. Even in high school, I felt left out being one of the only few people in my high school who didn’t vape and didn’t think that was fun just because it was “the latest trend on social media.”

That story about me being lonely and sad during the pandemic was where I removed my happy mask and felt my emotions. I felt pain, isolation and sadness. Even though they were hard feelings, it made me feel good to get to know myself more. 

Sitting at home with my emotions made me feel different. I didn’t need to be a different person. All I needed was to be me. I realized that people appreciate you more if you’re just yourself. It’s okay not to follow what all my friends are doing on social media. I don’t need to “not care” about school just cause my friends didn’t. I needed to be me. It taught me to wear Fiona’s mask. My mask shows me that I am a girl who works hard, loves to read and write, and is passionate about journalism. I’m a girl who fumbled along the way, made mistakes, yet always got back up on her feet. 

Process

What really helped me write this piece was my journal. As I looked back on it, I saw how much I’ve changed, but more importantly what COVID taught me. This piece is a collection of my thoughts, feelings, and how I overcame them. It also taught me to learn that self-reflection is crucial. It demonstrates how we can continue to learn and grow and realize the mistakes and decisions we’ve made. This piece serves as an important purpose on how self-reflection taught me to continue moving forward in my life and growing to be the person I want to become.