the luxury of collapsing

By Lena Singh

Discussed: Suicidal ideation

While in new york city, waiting in the long line for a pop-up shop with my friend who was a Shawn Mendes fanatic, I started to feel dizzy.

vasovagal syncope; neurocardiogenic syncope; reflex syncope
a condition where mixed signals from the nerves deliver to the wide blood vessels
heartbeat decelerates and blood pressure descends; brain brain
what is happening; am i going to die

colorful stars come into view; lose sight of all vehicles and bodies
a familiar person catches me as i begin to lose the ground; they panic
the other one runs to buy me water; eyes closed; stay awake
can’t; help

walk walk; put me down on the stairs with head between knees
raise your hand; take the water
was it god; no it was dark and freaky 
but i liked it; their hushes and alarmed voices

contact with lips, drizzles down throat; blood mixes with foreign liquid
eyes void yet relieved; the ear switch turns back on
are you okay; no no; yes
so many lies; why no ambulance

and we walk again; in the dehydrating heat with a crying stomach
not scared anymore; lucid skin with a hint of daze
was it a dream; no it was real and perplexing 
i wanted to stay in there

how do i tell them i wished for it to happen again
finally friends looked at me; my family’s worry was mine
even though it was nothing; deathly but painless; all i want is to

                 - relish in a temporary death

Process

This was a poem I wrote in one go. I randomly thought of the moment and decided to expand on it, hoping something creative would come out of it. I thought including a contrast between my physical and mental feelings would be compelling, so I decided to use some science in the beginning. Unedited and unfiltered, I despised it. So I went onto my next idea. That is until Girls Write Now, where my mentor told me it was her favorite poem of mine. It brought an unusual smile to my face in realization that poems really read differently to everyone. I knew it before, but now I’d seen it for myself.