The Side They Never See

By Doha Ahmed

Captured in a moment of pain, this poem was a way for me to release my emotions onto the page. I hope to show anyone who encounters this piece that they are not alone.

I feel so invisible. 
to everyone and everything
I do not know what I have done to deserve it 
but my phone now never rings
I held myself 
In my worst moments but my heart can never sing
It’s only a ringing in my ears with the biggest fear
of the worst occurring
I am trying to stop myself from breaking
but with all this pain it’s as if my mind is shaking
You told me I don’t matter and no one will understand 
That this life is more than one stupid man 
or everyone that has caused me pain
I cannot blame you, I put myself in the chains
I do not know how to go back, the path is unclear
Tell me to hold on a little longer 
Tell me there is a chance hope will appear 
Tell me I’m not just a deer in headlights waiting to get hit in the rear

As I stand in between the surface I am crushed between your lies
I realize you I don’t despise it was me all along
Telling myself I am not strong enough to move on
No it is me I hate I do not fake
This love was made for something more than me
I am not enough so do not say I matter 
Always climbing the ladder just to fall off 
I cannot take this anymore my heart has gone soft 
I do not laugh at your jokes
It’s like one big propaganda 
We’re all just plain folks
Walking around with a smile on our face 
I bet you used to love the way I made your heart race
and with no expression on my face 
I sang the tune that had been replaying in my head
The voices said it’s time to sing a little song
and even if your heart can’t sing just try to go along 
With the lyrics in your head that say they want you dead

Laying on a bed I cannot get up from, 
With my arms and legs that feel like boulders
Like bricks my heart said it was so heavy 
It feels like it might drop to my stomach 
Although it had been empty for days 
Begging to be fed
As if someone had to pull my body parts 
Together with a thread to fix the broken pieces 
and as the hate for myself increases
I laid there still realizing the deer 
Had been shed of all its protective covering
Naked
It lost the race 
and now you look for that deer in every place
and you fear that something is not right
Maybe someone will hold you tight
Tell you it’s alright but for me it’s over 
You've proved me wrong 
What you have been waiting for has come
I am gone

Process

I have put an immense amount of time into writing and editing this piece as I hoped to maintain the authenticity of my experience. Being alone is not equivalent to being lonely. My intention was to communicate this through the use of canonical tools such as symbolism, repetition and rhyme. I hope my reader can resonate with my experience and that this poem serves as an example of a poet who, too, is insistently investigating their own voice.