If you are transgender, you have to live

To not become a statistic
To not let them win
To not become a cautionary tale
To not end your story before it begins
To not become a sob story
To not have “what a shame” be the words uttered when you’re mentioned
To not give up on yourself
And it doesn’t matter if that’s not your intention
It’s indisputable
That to commit suicide is the greatest way to possibly concede defeat
It’s indisputable
That to commit suicide is one of the cruelest ways to leave a life incomplete 
It’s indisputable
That to commit suicide is to take every possible opportunity and ensure they’re all ones of which you’ve been denied
It’s indisputable 
That anyone who ever told you that your circumstances were hopeless
Completely lied

I could offer pointless platitudes
“It gets better” “You’re not alone”
I could offer meaningless musings
“You can’t give up now, look at how much you’ve grown”
I could offer unhelpful understandings
“You’re strong, you’ll bounce back”
I could offer blind votes of confidence
“Don’t worry, you can get back on track”

But as someone who has spent more of their life lost at sea
Than the time I’ve spent holding a compass
I know firsthand just how hard it can be
To not give in to the numbness
I know from experience how it feels to be told
“You’ll see as time goes on” “It hurts less as you become old”
As if having more days under my belt 
Could decrease the intensity of all that I’m feeling
As if spending more time praying for change
Could lessen the pain of kneeling
As if the trauma that sometimes feels inherent to the trans experience hasn’t been continuously stealing
All my joy and peace, leaving me empty and reeling
As if my thick skin hasn’t long been peeling

I won’t sugarcoat
The pain doesn’t go away
I won’t combat the protests coming from your throat
Because they’re all concerns you should say
I won’t dismiss 
The trials and tribulations that come with not identifying with your assigned gender
I won’t take your suffering
And deem it “return to sender”

But if I’ve learned anything over the years
It’s that two opposing ideas can be true
If I’ve learned anything
It’s that you are not defined
By the hardships that you’ve been through
If I’ve learned anything
It’s that the world will do its best to keep you down
If I’ve learned anything
It’s that a garden of happiness
Is what our existence puts into the ground

Because by defying who they told us we were
By rejecting norms and expectations 
By choosing family with which you concur
By molding our appearances
And indulging our imagination 
By shaping our destinies
By becoming our own divine creations
We are cultivating ecosystems 
Of magic and liveliness and power
We are cultivating environments 
Where we are stunning flowers
We are cultivating spaces
Where being different is celebrated; where outcasts are beautiful and loved
And you may think your presence on Earth can’t possibly do all this
But darling, I promise you it does

Every time one of us has the courage to be ourselves
It makes us all a little braver, and lessens the intensity of the hell
That we inevitably receive
Every time we break free of the spell
Of all the lies about our options that we were raised to believe 
The sun shines a little brighter
Plants bloom a little wider
And it’s true, you have to become a fighter
And is it unfair that if we want to start the fire of revolution, we must all become lighters?
Of course.
But I have faith
That one day, we will not have to take society by force
In order to safely exist 
I have faith that one day
Intolerance will be gone, and it will not be missed
I have faith that one day
All gardens prosper and thrive
I have faith that one day
You will be grateful
To be alive. 

Process

Towards the end of 2022, I remember seeing a tweet from a user named @weedcatholic that says: “if u r transgender u have to live. if u accomplish something else then good. if u accomplish nothing else then good. but u have to live”. That tweet legitimately got me through many tough moments where I struggled with suicidal thoughts and urges. According to a study from the Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law, 81% of transgender adults in the U.S.A have thought about suicide, 42% of transgender adults have attempted it, and 56% have engaged in non-suicidal self-injury over the course of their lives. Unfortunately, due to transphobia and cisnormativity, many of us struggle with depression and trauma from all we have to experience. My intention with this piece is not to dismiss or minimize the horrific reality of any of that, as unfortunately, there is no poem I could write that will ever change the fact that it is very hard to exist when you are trans and/or nonbinary. However, I do wish to maybe grant any trans/nonbinary person reading some courage and strength, and a reminder that although it won’t be easy, it will be worth it to stick around.