By Jenna Vollor

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I thought I needed you, but in the end, I know you needed me.

Dear ‘M’, 

For all the things you’ve done for me, I owe you a sincere thank you. Not a thank you for being a friend, not a thank you for coming into my life, rather a thank you for leaving it. I can’t ignore the positive that you brought into my life, but I also can’t ignore the negative. I will forever be grateful for our friendship, I can’t deny that and I never will. I’ve never had a better connection with anyone from the moment I met them. Our endless phone calls, our fun on the basketball court, the way we just agreed on everything. But I also can’t ignore your arrogance and ignorance. 

I’ve seen you recycle through friends like water bottles, but, in all honesty, I never assumed it would happen to me. It started before I even realized. It all stemmed from one person. One comment. . .one ill timed comment changed everything. I cared for you everyday. Every time you said I was overreacting, every time you said I was being ridiculous, I stayed with you. I let you lead me like a lamb to the slaughter. But that all changed.

Your jealousy is cute, but at the end of the day it doesn’t affect me, only you. In the end, I’m the one on the basketball court, and you’re the one on the bench. If you need someone to rest your shoulder upon, find someone else. I have enough respect for myself now to recognize that I never needed you. I was too kind to leave you when I knew you needed me. When you needed my help with homework, with boys, with friends, with anything, I was there by your side. Not so much can be said for you. I’m done hiding. I am my own person and it’s time for me to recognize that. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone.

I recognize the pattern. You make a friend, you lose them, then six months later you come running back. And I refuse to be a part of that pattern. I’ve never met someone as toxic, inattentive, or hypocritical as you. It almost makes me pray that you change, just for the next person who comes along in search of a friend. I can guarantee that they deserve someone better than that. Losing you isn’t the hardest part about this situation. I’ve come to terms with it and can genuinely say that I don’t care anymore. No more talks to go on forever, no more silly competitions, no more friendship. The hardest part is realizing that I let myself be under your control for so long. But I’m done with control, and I’m done with you. 

For the discrepancy we’re currently dealing with, I can say I’ve never been more grateful to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Looking back at it, I can’t believe I ever felt affected by it at all. The sadness dimmed away and the anger revealed itself. The whole affair was ridiculous, to say the least, but it was a blessing in disguise. I got rid of the thing that was holding me back all this time–you.

So, thank you ‘M’, for helping me realize I’m worth more than the “friendship” you could ever offer.

Process

My personal life played a huge part in this piece. I felt everything I wrote. It was just a matter of getting the words and emotions written down so that they didn’t destroy me from within. With this piece, I feel fulfilled.