The Art Kid Who Hated Art

By Shazana Davis

A high school junior relearns their love of art.

When I was a very young kid I didn’t have many hobbies. I would see my peers around me talking about things they loved to do; dancing, sports, acting, things of that sort. However, I could never relate. The only thing I had going for me was reading, which I considered to be “boring,” even if I enjoyed it. Though, there was one particular hobby I never heard many people talk about: drawing. I’ve always had this odd, excessive urge to be different from my peers. Saying I liked owls because no one ever did, saying my favorite color was green since everyone else always chose blue or pink, and this time, saying I liked to draw because no one else had. 

I put my foot in my mouth when I realized it wasn’t as simple as I thought it would be. The first time I drew with purpose, it turned out awful. The feeling of putting a pencil to paper felt like a chore, as if it was something I had to do. I hated to draw, but continued doing it just so I could be different from everyone else. I was eventually known as “the art kid”, but I never felt like I lived up to the title. All through middle school, I continued to hate my art and cursed myself for wanting to be different. I would draw things that I thought people would like, such as “cute” animals and horrible attempts at anime characters. All of it looked terrible. I tried to enjoy drawing, but somehow I just never could. I took breaks more often than I would actually draw. 

That was until the end of eighth grade. I was having a tough time mentally, and my mom was in and out of the hospital the whole year. Not to mention, there was a lot of stress about growing up and going to high school. I realized that I was trying to please the people around me too much, and that I should focus on myself. I decided to give art a try again, and found myself still unable to enjoy it. But, I realized that art isn’t something you do to please everyone; it’s something you do to please yourself. So, that’s what I did. I drew things that made me happy. I made characters that were specifically for a story I’m working on to this day. I would draw those characters and characters from other media that I liked. Through this, I learned to love art. Art began to feel less like a chore, and more like a luxury. 

All those years I wondered why I wasn’t improving, but I realize now that it’s because I wasn’t putting my heart into it. Something as simple as changing the reason one does something makes a huge difference in their improvement. I’m now able to tie my art into other things that I do. If I ever find myself struggling or feel like I’m not improving, I stop and ask myself: why am I really doing this? I find that reevaluating the reason I’m doing something helps in motivating myself to get better.

Process

I began writing this to submit for the Meredith contest but decided not to submit it. When I first sat down during the Zoom meeting, I thought about all that I’ve realized throughout my life. The very first thing that came to mind was my hate-love relationship with art. This piece started off as a simple draft, and I wasn’t really expecting to go anywhere with it. However, during school I couldn’t stop thinking about it. One day I went home and polished up the piece. After reviewing it with my mentor, I learned something new about editing pieces: the best way to expand upon an idea is to ask questions about it. Because of my mentor’s advice, I found myself doing this with other pieces that I’ve written for school.