crypticism

By Sanya Afsar

a reflective poem about visibility, exigence, and superficial perfection.

she yearns for scrutiny
through subtleties and crypticism
the folds of her body
enveloping years of anguish
laughter bringing a glow to her cheeks
with a stream of tears hidden
beneath an abundance of smiles

the corners of her lips turn up
at the sight of friends and family
false contentment diffusing off her body
to distract them
or maybe herself
from her overflowing mind
a distorted sense of confidence
radiating off her pained grin

she tries so hard to be unique
striking a line through her 7s
or triple knotting her shoelaces
and tracing the line along the surface of her palm
as she sips a drink and reads a book
she thinks nobody’s ever heard of before

yet she manages to emit a perception of normalness
hiding behind witty jokes and playful banter
no overtly strange or unusual acts
that spark suspicion and investigation

it’s almost as if her dimples
are a sign of complacency
that if they’ve come out to say hello
all else is fine in her world

the lack of supreme observation
of her every unhealthy move
outlines an empty silhouette
amidst her bones
the gush of an outraged river
surging through the void
that completes her very being

she was born with a stamp on her hand
a line running straight across
rather than breaking off into branches
a display to the world
screaming
yelling
look at me
i am different
i am special
i am drowning

her arms are flailing
as she calls out to mankind
an aching plea
in the form of a whisper
tumultuous and deafening
to nobody but herself

isn’t she roaring loud enough
with her lined 7s
and knotted shoelaces?

aren’t her toothy smiles
and ringing laughs
enough to make you see?

must i slam down my books
and throw up my palms
in defeat and vanquish
unleashing a total hysteria
to be worthy enough
of finally gaining your attention?

Process

This is a poem about a girl wrestling invisibility under the false pretense of perfection. The beams of a lightbulb began to break through the clouds of my thoughts when I wrote this, and it really made me realize the importance of speaking up in a situation of unrevealed sadness like this one. I was able to compile a galore of specific emotions while avoiding too much familiarity of a first-person point of view, resulting in a profusion of angst and apprehension regarding my secret feelings of loneliness and dejection. I wrote this for my past self, an ode to a too-young little girl who felt misunderstood and scared and alone. I wrote this for my present self, a place to confide in and shed some of my most cloaked, obscured, and shamed sentiments. And I wrote this for friends and for strangers who are going through the same crushing emotions, to help you in the way I help myself with other strangers’ poetry. To pull you out from your isolation and give you a sanctuary to bury yourself into. To give you the courage to speak up for yourself. To step out of the fog. To spew out your thoughts. To slam down your guilt. And to be the savior you need to fight for the happiness you deserve.