By Ruby Faith Hentoff

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It had always been like this, I’d always had this outlook within me—but I’d kept it underground. I’d buried my own ability to appreciate life.

The four-and-a-half years I spent with epilepsy were also spent in the dark. My constant seizures and continuously increasing medication made me more detached and unfocused every day. My social life collapsed, I fought with the only people who truly cared about me, and I began to doubt the chances of having a successful future. Every day, I got ignored in group chats, left out of plans, pushed out of activities. I never stood up to the kids who bullied me, I only knew how to endure it. And that’s how I lived, enduring one crushed possibility after another. Going to college? Getting my driver’s license? Continuing to perform? Nothing seemed achievable anymore. 

I was miraculously treated through brain surgery, which I will forever be grateful for. But the second I stepped out of the hospital, everything was different. It was lighter. The sky was a little bluer. The skyscrapers rose a little higher. And the sun blazed ten times as bright. It felt as if a mist had been lifted from my vision, and I could finally see the world for how spectacular it was. In the months to follow, I realized that I didn’t have to be alone. I could see now. I could see everything for how glorious and painful and beautiful it was. It had always been like this, I’d always had this outlook within me – but I’d kept it underground. I’d buried my own ability to appreciate life. And when I finally dug it up four-and-a-half years, I was myself once more.

Process

My sculpture represents those parts of me that remained hidden under the surface. I came across as distant and reserved, as I found myself entangled in my own thoughts much of the time. I was unaware of the creativity and excitement boiling inside me, which was finally released the same day I woke up from my surgery. Through this piece, I juxtaposed my cynical state-of-mind with my latent positive outlook and capabilities. The head is made of terra cotta grout clay, under-glazed and bisque-fired. The warm tones are cut-out construction paper, and I added several more effects with Procreate.