To contemplation and betrayal.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

I lay still. Staring off into space because I can’t even collect my thoughts. I don’t know what to say, think, or feel. I’m not sure if I should feel guilty. Can I be sad? I have a reason to feel this way. Should I not get mad? I can’t help but feel responsible. Why couldn’t you just be a little less threatening? Maybe things would’ve been different. 

“No. It isn’t your fault.”

I go back and forth, as if one side of my brain was a different person, someone speaking to me over my shoulder. 

“This is just my consciousness, my inner voice.”

My body sinks into my bed while my mind sinks deeper and deeper into a pool of knotted thoughts, and slowly loses awareness. It feels like I’m falling down a never-ending dark tunnel.

Falling, falling, falling.

My mind is a mess. It’s nothing but a scribble of pen marks on paper. Just never ending circles, one on top of another, until it fills up and everything turns black.

Process

I wrote this piece as a freewrite in my phone’s notes. At the time of writing this I was filled with sadness, rage and confusion. I found out my boyfriend relapsed and broke several boundaries I set for our relationship and kept it all hidden for three months. Finding out on my own that he lied and feeling betrayed, guilty and realizing that he disrespected me, our relationship and my core values inspired this piece. I thought to myself that if I didn’t believe in the things I do, and if I just shared this one specific value with him, he would be much happier. This piece demonstrates my inner conflict of standing up and deciding whether or not compromising my values and beliefs is worth it. It also illustrates my thought process during physically and emotionally distressing situations and topics.