Finding happiness

NH: You talk about love and how it’s the root of happiness. Well, what if I don’t find love? As a young, Black lady in today’s society, it’s hard to find my beauty let alone someone else find it for me. But who says love has to be romantic? The greatest love I’ve ever gotten outside of my family was from my best friend. She wasn’t always quite there for me but I was “in love.” Her company, goofiness and occasional support was enough for me. You can say I settled but that was what I had. Is that okay? I think I just answered my own question but is not settling better?

DC: Never settle, if you can help it. Love is finding your happiness within quiet moments of solitude. Love is found in a mirrorless room. Love is you being able to smile to yourself at something you did. Once you sit with that type of love, it grows. Settling only removes you further from authentic love. If you exist, the type of love you want to find outside of yourself certainly exists as well!

NH: You know, that’s beautiful. The idea of knowing that there’s an equal force of love simply because you exist. I can only imagine what that feels like. The compassion, the joy, the love, in all infiniteness. Do I have that? Of course, I come from a loving family, but that love is different, isn’t it? 

Defining my sense of self

NH: I know I could be one of those badass, independent women who can do anything but I can only imagine having love standing by your side through it all. Or maybe it’s not about love, just happiness. How can I be content with being by myself? How can I be fulfilled without feeling lonely? Should I seek others to make me happy or should I learn to be alone?

DC: You most certainly can be one of those badass independent women, if you want! Is that what you want? If that’s what you want, love is already embedded in that personification. It’s the ingredient that you don’t even have to worry about. There’s so much power in the ability to be alone, and yet I understand your concern. Think about how you feel when you’re able to do everything you truly desire because you’re not sacrificing or compromising your happiness for others. Loving yourself and others should flow naturally. Once you feel as though you’re forcing love, that’s when you stop and take a moment to reflect on your discomforts. Your true desire of the way you want to love and be loved is already embedded. 

NH: Embedded huh? But not everyone finds love; romantic or not. What do I do then?

Keeping my passion

NH: And how does that passion-lit fire stay alive? How do I stop this rain from extinguishing my light? Of course, you can talk about it coming from within; taking that flint and stone and starting all over again. But who feeds into you? Your strength, your happiness, your hope? For more, for better, for good?

DC: In moments of doubt, fear, frustration, I turn to nature. There are more answers there than any individual could provide. I study water. Trees. Animals. The greatest lesson I learn from nature is that change is the only constant, and sometimes we need rain to cleanse us, refresh us, feed us and help us grow. Moments when our light is not always shining or bright are not moments of or signs of failure. They’re moments when we should be alerted to rest, perhaps cry, reflect and prepare for what’s coming next… 

NH: It’s hard accepting the fact that change is the only thing that remains the same. But I guess it explains why I haven’t been able to adjust to an environment that’s constantly evolving. I think it’s amazing how you find rejuvenation in a sole source. Nature will be there no matter where you go, what you do; it’s there. Now that I think about it, I’ve depended on people to do that exact thing: just be there. But the power of nature can’t compare to people. Should I find a new source? How would I do that? How did you do that? What if it doesn’t work?

Solidifying my standards

NH: My standards have become walls that enclose me. Not to say that I feel trapped, but my kingdom needs protection. I see it like a story—a narrative if you must. One after the other, after another they can’t quite reach the top of that wall. Some are increasingly persistent. “If I can’t go over, I can’t go around, I must proceed forward.” They go at it until they pierce a hole big enough to squeeze through; they’re in. Appalled by their presence, an intruder, their determination is intriguing so you welcome them. After all, it has been a while since you’ve had some good company. You give them a tour around the castle, some food to feast on, even a little souvenir to remind them of your times together. All of a sudden they get quiet—too quiet —and when you check on them, all you see is gold trailing back to the hole they came from. 

DC: Are you willing to adjust your standards upon meeting someone new? Are you being true to yourself? Are you compromising yourself for the happiness of others? I believe we learn a lot from others, but we first teach them how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. If you disregard your standards, so will others.

NH: The only reason I do this is for small moments of happiness: a texting dialogue, a Facetime session, maybe even going out to eat. Yes I’m weakening my standards, compromising myself, being untrue, but can you blame me? There’s an old saying that love makes people do crazy things. But in this case, it’s happiness that I’m chasing after. Disregarding my standards may hurt me for a day, maybe a week, but don’t you think that’s worth compromising for a lifetime of happiness? I’m just not one of those people that gets it on the first try, or second or third, but you get my point. A lifetime is precious, and is only granted to the 1%. Is that me? I guess we’ll see.

Performance

Process

The open letter was written years ago by Danielle as a speech for a Sweet 16 birthday gala. It was a letter that focused on “becoming a woman,” and shared messages of hope, self-love, setting goals and authentic living. Danielle shared the letter with Natalie as an idea of potentially doing a letter-writing pair project similar to the open letter. Natalie enjoyed the letter and wanted the project to be in response to reading it, which became an ongoing dialogue. The process involved us working through a shared Google document, beginning with Natalie’s initial questions after reading the letter, and Danielle would go in the doc to write her response to Natalie. The pair project ends with Natalie’s responses and questions, almost symbolic of life being an ongoing mystery of “what ifs.”