Midnight Messages From a River

By Caitlin Levy

Content Discussed: Mental Illness

This piece is incredibly special to me; it’s about the beautiful, messy process of letting go.

Canyon because why not

What a sensation, have you felt this before?
	Soupy canyon	   Messy canyon    Canyon because why not
I might call it post-obsessive-compulsive disorder but I’d never
do that, because it is not post-
Post- means death 
I am learning that I don’t need all these thoughts
I held them because I thought they completed me

I am not afraid to fall into a pool
Be 	a melody 	a scream 	a whisper 	an

everything

Let me let myself be
A blank wall upon which I toss these glittering moments
My body, a river filled up to its arms in old batteries, 
twigs, tadpoles
Which makes me think of the waterfall up north with ducks
It is such a blessed thing to have life feel limitless
Let me be a bowl to house the glitter of everything real 

I have spent so long imagining what it would be like
If I wasn’t the girl in the corner on the subway car
Thinking about her thoughts thinking things
Now I only want to let go of all of that
Be blank, 
Ready for it all 

Process

For the first time in what felt like forever, I was immersed in reading, and my OCD thoughts fell into the background. The world felt expansive, limitless, but also lighter– like a canyon. I could see everything. I’ve struggled with OCD for several years, and sometimes every moment feels like a violent struggle with my mind. I’m becoming more comfortable with letting go of my OCD thoughts– because nothing bad will happen if I do. I wrote a poem to try to capture this feeling, which felt so precious and beautiful to me. This video accompanies the poem!

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