Thoughts of an Insecure Man

By Alyssa Fowler

Content warning: domestic abuse

This piece takes a deep dive into societal expectations while emphasizing the importance of asking for help. Everyone, even someone who doesn’t look like it, needs support.

Lingering eyes • Anger • Agitated cries • Sadness • Embarrassment • Shame • 

Thoughts of an Insecure Man

He wore this dark cloak to protect himself
Thick and pigmented, it should have been impregnable
So why did he still feel their eyes on him?
Why did the heat of their prodding stares still poke through?
Could he be seen underneath this mask?
And would they?—

“Julius” a voice calls distantly

Could they?—

“Julius“ he hears

The voice softens, “Jules” they say

“Yes” he responds

Finally facing her, she’s allowed to gaze into his eyes where the suppressed flood is threatening to take over
Her arm tries to stabilize the tremors, a promise of safety stands in the embrace
Julius almost wants to lean into her touch, but “a man never leans on a woman” he remembers
So he stays still
“What happened?”
She asks carefully, studying the motion in his eyes
Julius can’t quite bear the heat of her gaze, so he lets his eyes fall
He hears her breaths getting deeper and feels his heart shatter because he shouldn’t be the one to need help
Look at how much distress it’s bringing his friend
Julius doesn’t know if he could handle the sound of her cry, which was so profound that with one crash, it’d break his fortress down and the bricks would dissolve into concrete, mixing with the water, and leaving no hope for repair
So, he relocks his eyes with hers, and without words, she knows
Her mouth parts slightly, as a concentrated look takes over her face
It is as if she is recalling all the scars that she’d dismissed as personal injury
A tired sigh leaves Julius’ mouth
The armor that he had spent so long carefully crafting was brought down within an instant
Protection, up in the air
With the buzzing hospital lights edging him on, he pulls back the gown to look at his body in the light for the first time
His skin was black and blue
Cuts raked up his body, stopping at the neck, where his dad knew he’d be facing life if he cut any further
All of his knuckles were red for every single time he tried to leave and his legs were covered in welts as punishment
They were far up enough so that a nosy neighbor wouldn’t see, but close enough that Julius was reminded of his deviance every time he tried to pee
His forearms were completely spotless, but his upper arms had been sliced long ago
His body struggled to heal wounds from somebody who they did not recognize as an enemy
When he touched his stomach, he could almost hear the words of his father as he rammed into him
The cigarette ash once again overwhelmed him and the game show he used to watch with his mother was playing in the distance

“Worthless”
Wheel
“Useless”
Of
“Piece of crap”
Fortune

Out of pure reflex, he’d tried blocking a hit
And he felt his father’s heavy, brown, boots slam back into him so forcefully, that his eyes threatened to close
His father told him to stay awake, that he needed to remember what he’d done, that he’d deserved this
And the memory is enough to make his breath shake fiercely as he draws in
Exhaling, tears rack his body, his shoulders shake and reduce his voice to an unrecognizable blubber
Soon the flood overwhelmed all vision
With these tears, the boy lost so long ago, was being called upon
He cried for all the tears that could never fall because “a man wasn’t supposed to cry”
He cried for all the days gone by that he could not sleep because he’d wake up to his nightmare
He cried for all the people he’d shut out because the truth would be too much
He cried for his mother who was probably in Heaven, feeling torn apart
He cried for the person he could have been if only his destiny had not been intertwined with a monster’s
He cried for all those times he could not bear the sight of himself
Julius cried because he was afraid to prove his father right
He was afraid to be a burden
He was afraid to be unwanted
He was afraid to be anything like people’s expectations of him
But he feels a hand wipe his tears away
He feels her hold him and say “it’s okay”
“It will be okay” he could hear his mother say
So he held on tighter to the girl and held on tight to the words
It will be okay
Somehow

Process

This story started off as a poem (the words at the top). After coming up with the title, “Thoughts of an Insecure Man,” I decided to explore the concept through my character Julius. Julius is a Black male with tall stature and fair build. His appearance, coupled with his easygoing attitude, makes him someone who doesn’t appear to be going through something. However, at home, he is facing an abusive father and dealing with the grief of losing his mother. As many men are often told not to cry and to toughen up, Julius doesn’t know how to ask for help. This scene features him in a hospital after being beaten unconscious by his father. His friend, who is intentionally left nameless, comes to visit him, and their interaction emphasizes that needing help does not make you weak.