When Life Gives You Half a Lemon

Thanks to a basket of lemons, I wrote about the two things that we need for Rise Speak Change: 1) the understanding that we can’t change everything, and 2) enough passion to challenge that belief.

JACK sits at his kitchen table, sipping coffee. He flips through a newspaper he is clearly not interested in and, after a moment, looks up at the audience. Nervous, he looks back at the newspaper, but he isn’t reading it.

JACK: I had this job once, working in a copy room. It was some magazine downtown–nothing too big, nothing you would know. But they had an audience. God knows it was probably made up of grandparents and bored housewives though–all they printed were fluff pieces about rescued rabbits and ridiculous scientific discoveries about what fruit could cure your depression. But then there was this one piece: it was about … d’you know that old saying, “when life hands you lemons” yada yada yada … Well, it was about that, but it had this whole science element to it. It was digging into the fact that lemons have a whole unknown origin and all we know is that they’re bred from two different kinds of citrus. And that was the point. That they aren’t naturally occurring–that life can’t actually hand us lemons. Not on its own, anyway.

(CHRISTIAN enters, ruffled with bedhead and sleep. JACK turns and looks at him as if he’s hung the moon.)

CHRISTIAN: Did you eat?

JACK: Just coffee.

CHRISTIAN: (amused) We finally get gas and electric in here, and your first instinct is coffee.

(CHRISTIAN stops in front of him. JACK stands.)

JACK: Hi.

CHRISTIAN: Good morning.

(They kiss.)

JACK: Do you want me to make you something?

CHRISTIAN: I’ve got it. Get back to your coffee and news. Let me know if anything interesting comes up.

(CHRISTIAN goes to the kitchen, offstage. JACK sits and stares off in his direction. There is the sound of pots clattering and the stove turning on. JACK’s smile fades, his brows furrow. He returns to his story.)

JACK: It’s weird. It’s just never really left my mind, ya know? And it’s really dumb to think that some article even Buzzfeed wouldn’t publish got to me so much but … it just makes sense: the idea that whatever life gives us, we play a part in having gotten it. It’s like … fuck the idea of fate controlling everything, but also, let’s not pretend that we’ve been the deciding factor of our entire lives. Instead, it’s both. Two things working at once. And honestly … that terrifies me.

(CHRISTIAN walks back on stage.)

CHRISTIAN: Asshole. (CHRISTIAN steals JACK’s mug, takes a large gulp.) You drank the entire pot already–didn’t you?

JACK: (guiltily) Maybe.

CHRISTIAN: (amused) You’re the worst.

(CHRISTIAN takes another gulp, then exits to return to his cooking. JACK doesn’t watch him this time–he stares at the mug.)

JACK: The thing is… even with all the fates in the world looking down on me, trying to orchestrate a happy ending, it doesn’t make sense that I got him. No amount of luck or predestination could make up for all the shit I’ve put him through. So it’s gotta be the lemons. It’s gotta be that a little bit of my actions and a little bit of fate’s help just worked in my favor. And that’s what terrifies me. Who’s to say that they won’t change their minds, huh? Who’s to say it doesn’t all turn against me and take him away?

CHRISTIAN: (offstage) Vegetable omelet?

JACK: Sounds great! (There’s some shuffling. The fridge opens.) I’m not gonna say that it would crush me if I didn’t have him anymore. That would be too big an understatement.

CHRISTIAN: (offstage) Okay, scratch that- all we’ve got is eggs, and spinach, and tomatoes. (Walks onstage, a tomato in hand.) Is a tomato even a vegetable?

JACK: Scientifically speaking?

CHRISTIAN: Sure.

JACK: It’s a fruit.

CHRISTIAN: You’re so sexy when you know things.

JACK: You’re so cute when you don’t.

CHRISTIAN: (pretends to throw the tomato) Shut up.

(CHRISTIAN returns to the kitchen, offstage.)

JACK: So, for a while, I was scared. I was scared of the idea that things were half in my control: it meant either I fuck it all up myself, or it falls to shit and I can’t do anything to fix it. (Beat. deep breath.) But none of that’s important, now. I don’t want it to be. What matters is that we’ve made it this far. What matter is that we can make it further. But if I spend all my time trying to control it, or worrying that I can’t … we won’t make it anywhere. I’ll let it all pass right by me.

CHRISTIAN: (sheepishly pops back onstage) Will you still love me if I abandon the omelet for some poptarts?

JACK: Always.

CHRISTIAN: What a relief. (Returns to the kitchen.)

JACK: (looks at the audience, determined) So I’ll let the lemons do their part … and I’ll do mine. A little bit of fate, and a little bit of me … and we’ll be okay.

CHRISTIAN: (offstage) Oh! I found some lemons! Want a glass of lemonade?

JACK: Sounds amazing,

END OF PLAY