By Razan Zantout and Andrea Beatriz Arango

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Marah lives a double life; she hasn’t told teachers friends or family about quitting teaching: afraid of letting them down. She struggles with the idea of starting over and stepping out of her comfort zone.

Personality Break in the Break Room

It’s 4pm, which means my phone is buzzing,
Mom wanting to know how teaching went today.

“Great,” I tell her,
taking off my apron
and letting my supervisor know
I’m headed to the break room for a few.

“I’m so proud of you,” Mom says
and I thank her,
because what else can I say?

The clock ticks away the seconds 
until I have to go back to work,
the minutes dragging as I tell my mother
all about a class project I never did,
all about about a joke one of my ex-students 
didn’t say.

She tries to Facetime me,
saying she misses my face,
and I miss hers too,
but what would she see if I turned my camera on?

The break room at Java Junction?
My fake smile as I pretend to be someone 
I’m not.

Good at Coffee, A Fraud at Life

My fifteen minute break is over and I have to clock back in.
It’s back to making lattes and chatting with friendly customers. 
This doesn’t sound like your typical teaching job, 
Because it isn’t. 
I’m living a double life, fooling everyone, including myself. 
I’ve convinced everyone I still work as a teacher, 
But I don’t. 
I quit when it got stressful and overwhelming. 
And now I’m on a lying spree. 
Maybe it’s because I feel like I’ve failed;
Failed at finding a passion, 
Failed at pushing through, 
Failed at being an honest daughter and friend. 
It’s back to, “Enjoy your coffee, and have an amazing day!”
Because that’s how I ignore the gnawing thoughts in my head. 

Hypothetically, Who Am I?

It’s late and I want to sleep
but the texts keep coming,
all my friends I went to school with
venting about their principles
or grading
or lesson planning,
none of them noticing my lack of participation
in our nightly group chat.

What if, I type, we just quit? Hypothetically.

Nobody says anything for a few seconds
before my screen starts bursting with 
laughing emojis and gifs,
and I’m reminded yet again that even though 
they all complain
I’m the only one who couldn’t make,
I’m the only one who quit. 

How can I explain to them that loving kids is not the same
as having twenty-five of them yelling and laughing in your ear,
that teaching how we were taught to in college is impossible
when you don’t have the resources,
that thinking you can do something is not worth it
when every day you come home and cry?  

I’m kidding lol, I type. What else would we even do?

I Closed the Door, Where’s My Window?

I lay awake in bed, contemplating life and all its aspects. 
Are we born with a passion?
Is something wrong with me because I don’t know what direction I’m headed in?
I feel like a ship lost at sea, 
Desperately trying to find land, clinging onto hope,
Hope that I’ll one day be on the right path. 
That isolating feeling creeps up on me, 
All your friends know what they’re doing with their lives, why don’t you? 
I don’t know how to stop feeling like I’m a fraud. 
But I am a fraud…
I lie to my friends and family about having a fake job, 
all so I don’t let them down. 
It’s ridiculous, 
I’m hiding part of my life, as if I’m Batman, 
all so my loved ones don’t suspect I switched my life up. 
I want to stop this act,
but what if it makes everyone hate me. 
Who even am I? 
What am I trying to do?
Who am I trying to be?

Process

Part one to a funny yet comforting story about a new adult dealing with her fear of failure as she finds new passions, steps out of her comfort-zone, and finally learns to put herself first.

Razan Zantout and her mentor Andrea Beatriz Arango worked together to write a funny yet comforting short piece that young and new adults can relate to. This story is inspired by the many conversations Andrea and Razan had over careers, futures, fears of choosing the wrong path, and major unexpected life changes. They wrote this story to hopefully touch the hearts of readers struggling with the same issues that their main character, Marah, is dealing with. Razan and Andrea’s goal was to write a funny and lighthearted story that carries meaning and influence.