cross stitch

By Brishti

Discussed: body dysmorphia and body dysphoria

there is something deeply wrong with the body. 

our skin feels too tight. if we loosened the stitches in the back of our skull, would our skin sag in relief as the migraines fade into nothing. would it soften. if we knew how to embroider correctly, would we look more boy and less girl and more girl and less boy. would the darks under our eyes appear lighter. and if we unstitched our joints and the fat from muscle would the shooting pains stop. would the nausea stop. would the trembling stop. would the flaring stop. would—

i think every strand of hair is a frayed, loose end holding this body together. 

i want to unravel our stomach and give it the ability to hold more. pull the stitches from our lungs. from around our ribcage. our liver. this body is too tight it feels too tight. our skin is too tight. our knuckles will turn white from pulling threads. our knuckles will turn white from gripping needles. our knuckles will turn white from gripping canes.  

our knuckles—
crack. 

for the first time, our skin feels loose. it is not the perfect fit i thought it would be. it is not the perfect fit i wanted it to be. we stitch them tighter. we sew blanket stitches from cuticle to bone and it is still not enough. i want to replace our blood. replace our bone marrow. replace cartilage. our chromosomes. i want to replace— 

IT IS STILL NOT ENOUGH! WE MUST REBUILD THE BODY FROM SCRATCH.

Process

This piece was prompted by the grief and anger that comes with being chronically sick. It’s about the grief of having a body and this impossible way of reconstructing oneself, and it was written during an episode of mine out of frustration.