By Altagracia Diamond Abreu
“Blue Sun” takes an escapist journey to the soul in order to figure out what love really means, what self-worth means and finding that inner validation of self-love.
I was laying on my bed; my pillows propped up my body so I could view my barred window clearly. Across, I could see other building complexes and their lights beaming through my window. Those lights, once orange and aging, were now a bright, clean white, a fresh start. Suddenly, I felt my chest shake like a calm volcano, releasing my tears slowly. My vision got blurred and that once-white circle of light turned into a hue of beaming blue. Warmth engulfed my body, beyond my mattress. I felt myself sinking away from the barriers of my room into a warm pool of sand. My pajamas transformed into a silver suit, conforming to my body. The air no longer felt heavy, but indifferent to my presence. Slowly, I opened my eyes to see a dark, washed-out blue sky. Then my instincts told me to turn my head to the right and I saw a blue sun on the horizon…
Big Blinding Blue Beautiful Bright
boring right through me.
I was on Mars, staring at its blue sunset. On Earth, our sun is a violent, flaming red.
Here, I felt understood, calm, gone and alone in the right ways. I am no longer a machine but an alien on another planet. For the longest time, I felt like I had to be a machine in order to protect myself from emotions. I could always rewrite my program, wipe my memory, shut off my system when I pleased, when being human was unbearable. The red sun on Earth was often too hot for me to run my program.
Here, in this strange foreign place, I was an actual living being. I could feel the light gust of wind hitting my face, cooling my body through the suit as the weight of my body pulled me down in the tepid sand. I was in a trance as I continued to stare at the sun; everything was still for a moment, the tender groan of the atmosphere acting as white noise. Then I blinked, noticing the way the sun created silhouettes within each mountain of sand, noticing the way the sky was without clouds, only an ombré of a washed-out blue transitioning into a dark sea blue.
This sight is just for me.
I was the only visitor on this planet. Maybe I was on a mission to find something. I rolled my body over to the side, attempting to stand. With weak knees, I pushed myself up, hands against the velvety sand to regain some balance. I stumbled a bit at first, my body mass feeling a little bit lighter than usual. I could feel my heartbeat begin to quicken as I took a step closer and closer to the sun. My chest started to rise and fall violently. My eyes erupted with hot tears but the wind kept pushing them to the sides of my cheeks. It was as if the planet was telling me to stop crying, as if it was trying to tell me that I hold so much value… Yes, I was on a mission to find a sign of my worth here. As I approached the blue orb, the light got brighter and brighter, blinding my eyes. I screamed and the sound echoed like a sorrowful song. I forgot for the lightspeed of a second the fear of not being enough to love. I dropped to my knees. My tears created small pools in the sand. I looked up, the sun remaining undisturbed. The heat of its rays radiated on my skin, reminding me of my humanity. I was staring at the truth. I found a major discovery. I had finally possessed not a fiery, red, hot love but a beautiful, calming, blue, warm love within myself. Only I could be an alien and human when I please. Only I could find love in desolate places. Only I could have the power to be enough and no one could take this from me.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. A strong gust of wind pushed me back and I could feel my body fading away. The once-warm sand now felt like a fluffy cloud and the suit clinging to my body felt soft. I was back in my room wearing pajamas. I finally opened my eyes and stared at the bright blue lights from the buildings slowly reverting back to their pristine white color—remembering that they too were once an orange red. Perhaps love is just that, a setting sun on Mars.
My inspiration was the light outside my window and my love for space! Recently, the lights from other buildings across my window were newly changed to this bright white light. Before, it was so orange. It’s this little difference that really made me feel and see things differently outside my window. Looking out my window is like a little mediation for me so when this happened, it definitely inspired me. I also love anything space-related and growing up I actually wanted to be an astronomer but math was not my thing. I remember seeing pictures of the sun setting on Mars and it’s actually blue! It immediately reminded me of the light how it changed from this orange color to a different one! So my environment inspired me to write this piece!
Diamond Abreu is a Latina filmmaker and writer from the Lower East Side who is passionate about representing people of color. She is currently studying film and media at the Fashion Institute of Technology. Prior to college, her first experimental short, Bullet Dreams, was featured at the Tribeca Film Institute's "Our City, My Story." Combining her powers of film and writing, she aims not only to encourage diversity, but also to be an inspiration to other women in the field.