By Sharnice Walker
There has been a time in all of our lives where we’ve placed our significant other above ourselves and our responsibilities. I wanted to show how we as women often lose who we are trying to help someone figure out who they want to be.
“What are you devoted to?”
“Why would you devote yourself to another human?”
“Because he loves me.”
It was midnight. The moon was full and shining bright above me as I walked through town. I first stopped at our old house. It had a lawn with weeds that roamed wild. He said that he’d mow it at some point but he never got to it I guess. The house itself used to be all white but now the paint was peeling and turning a grey color, why hadn’t he been repainting the house? I tried opening the door and wasn’t surprised to find it unlocked. Jordan always did forget to lock the door when he was home, he would probably get mugged if I wasn’t around to remind him. As I stepped into the house I was taken aback by how empty it was. The big TV that my dad had given us was gone, the couch we got at that garage sale down by Mrs. Johnson, his PlayStation, our fridge, table, and chairs were all gone. The only things that stayed were the juice stains on our carpet and the rat holes.
“Jordan,” I yelled as I walked up the stairs to our bedroom.
Our door was wide open and everything was gone.
“Jordan!” I yelled as I ran through the house. My breathing was getting heavier and
heavier. I walked around looking in the bathroom: not there. Basement: not there. Our living room: not there. And our bedroom again: not there.
“Okay… Okay. Everything is fine, he’s around here somewhere, everything is fine,” I said cradling my head and trying to calm down. After a minute of heaving and trying to stop the tears from pouring out, I looked up and through the window to see me and Jordan riding down the street in a blue 1987 Toyota Corolla he borrowed from his friend. He was driving wearing his gold chains, white button-up, blue jeans, and snakeskin shoes. I was wearing a blue dress, white slippers, and holding a picnic basket. We were smiling and holding hands. We looked down the road, ringing with excitement to reach our destination. I ran down the stairs and tried following the car before it disappeared. It was some ways up the road but I followed it about a mile across town, when it disappeared in front of Jordan’s parents’ house.
His house looked so disgraceful. The beautiful garden his mom had was filled with weeds and dead flowers, the lawn was unkempt and wild, the car tires were missing, and the windows were boarded up. It looked so neglected, I walked up the front steps and knocked on the door. No one answered. I banged on the door. No one answered.
“Jordan!” I yelled, banging on the door. I tried opening the door only to see it swing open, slamming against the wall. The inside was even sadder, all the furniture they didn’t care to take was covered in a dusty tarp and the walls looked like they were halfway through being knocked down. I felt the tears running down my face as I ran out of the house. Holding my knees and heaving, I could feel my chest tighten and my vision become blurry. Looking up I see the Toyota Corolla riding past the house, me and Jordan smiling like we had no care in the world. I stand up straight, wipe my eyes, and follow the car. I follow it to Jordan’s friends’ house, the park where he used to play basketball and the pizzeria he always went to. He wasn’t there, no one was there. My feet felt sore from walking up and down the town all night, my eyes were bloodshot from all the tears, and I was so tired. In the middle of the sidewalk, I cradled myself in the fetal position and started whimpering in the street.
“Jordan, where are you? I need you, please,” I said through my pathetic sobs and after a few minutes I heard the sound of laughter. Looking up I saw myself laughing in the car and holding the basket and instead of disappearing in front of a different building it stopped in front of a forest. Since when was there a forest that close to town? I saw myself and Jordan walking hand in hand, we looked so happy so beautiful. I started following them. As I stepped into the forest, rays of light peaked through the trees. It was like it became early morning but as I looked back at the town it was still the middle of the night.
I tried to follow them but the forest was so dense. I got lost along the way, and I could feel the tears threatening my eyes again.
“Jordan! I’m here! Please come here!” I yelled, stumbling through the forest. My legs finally caved under me and I fell to the ground, scraping my knees as I yelled out for my love. He was so close, why didn’t he hear me? I’m so tired and sick, I want him here to hug me and take me back to our home, to cuddle me in our bed. I laid down in the wet grass, too weak to leave and too tired to cry again. I laid there crying out to him but my voice was too sore until I felt energy above me. I looked up to see me. I was wearing the same blue dress I saw myself wearing in the car. She reached her hand out to me, but I sat up and swatted it away. I got up from the ground dusting off my dress and asked: “Do you know where Jordan is?”
Her face didn’t move but her eyes looked so disappointed. She pointed to the left of us and as she did, it was almost like the trees parted themselves to show a clear path.
“Thank you,” I said as I ran down to see Jordan.
Sharnice Walker is a class of 2020 Girls Write Now mentee based in Bronx, NY.