Midnight Messages From a River
By Caitlin Levy
Content Discussed: Mental Illness
This piece is incredibly special to me; it’s about the beautiful, messy process of letting go.
Canyon because why not What a sensation, have you felt this before? Soupy canyon Messy canyon Canyon because why not I might call it post-obsessive-compulsive disorder but I’d never do that, because it is not post- Post- means death I am learning that I don’t need all these thoughts I held them because I thought they completed me I am not afraid to fall into a pool Be a melody a scream a whisper an everything Let me let myself be A blank wall upon which I toss these glittering moments My body, a river filled up to its arms in old batteries, twigs, tadpoles Which makes me think of the waterfall up north with ducks It is such a blessed thing to have life feel limitless Let me be a bowl to house the glitter of everything real I have spent so long imagining what it would be like If I wasn’t the girl in the corner on the subway car Thinking about her thoughts thinking things Now I only want to let go of all of that Be blank, Ready for it all
For the first time in what felt like forever, I was immersed in reading, and my OCD thoughts fell into the background. The world felt expansive, limitless, but also lighter– like a canyon. I could see everything. I’ve struggled with OCD for several years, and sometimes every moment feels like a violent struggle with my mind. I’m becoming more comfortable with letting go of my OCD thoughts– because nothing bad will happen if I do. I wrote a poem to try to capture this feeling, which felt so precious and beautiful to me. This video accompanies the poem!
Caitlin is a mentee with a love for poetry, arts and crafts, and puns. She can often be found geeking out about science with her friends, writing spontaneous songs, or reading by a window. She spent last summer studying slam poetry with Urban Word, and she's soon going to return as a counselor at her book club camp. Above all, she's immensely grateful for the Girls Write Now community.