the luxury of collapsing
By Lena Singh
Discussed: Suicidal ideation
While in new york city, waiting in the long line for a pop-up shop with my friend who was a Shawn Mendes fanatic, I started to feel dizzy.
vasovagal syncope; neurocardiogenic syncope; reflex syncope a condition where mixed signals from the nerves deliver to the wide blood vessels heartbeat decelerates and blood pressure descends; brain brain what is happening; am i going to die colorful stars come into view; lose sight of all vehicles and bodies a familiar person catches me as i begin to lose the ground; they panic the other one runs to buy me water; eyes closed; stay awake can’t; help walk walk; put me down on the stairs with head between knees raise your hand; take the water was it god; no it was dark and freaky but i liked it; their hushes and alarmed voices contact with lips, drizzles down throat; blood mixes with foreign liquid eyes void yet relieved; the ear switch turns back on are you okay; no no; yes so many lies; why no ambulance and we walk again; in the dehydrating heat with a crying stomach not scared anymore; lucid skin with a hint of daze was it a dream; no it was real and perplexing i wanted to stay in there how do i tell them i wished for it to happen again finally friends looked at me; my family’s worry was mine even though it was nothing; deathly but painless; all i want is to - relish in a temporary death
This was a poem I wrote in one go. I randomly thought of the moment and decided to expand on it, hoping something creative would come out of it. I thought including a contrast between my physical and mental feelings would be compelling, so I decided to use some science in the beginning. Unedited and unfiltered, I despised it. So I went onto my next idea. That is until Girls Write Now, where my mentor told me it was her favorite poem of mine. It brought an unusual smile to my face in realization that poems really read differently to everyone. I knew it before, but now I’d seen it for myself.
Lena is a junior in high school and she lives in Staten Island with her family and little dog named Oreo. In her free time, she’s either in her bed with a good fantasy novel or walking in the rain with her flip flops. A straightforward character that never backs down from an argument, she’s an introverted jalapeno that’s rare to find. Approach her if you dare.