Vacant Heavy

By Jaya Rao-Herel

A trip into a mind, swirling with the chaos of regret and distraction of calm.

Regret is a steady tap on my mind
A solid block of all things entwined
 
Blinded as sun seeps beneath beds of flowers
Blotting visions, staining walks; my shadow over every hour
 
Regret is the steam that sticks to bathroom mirrors 
Diffuses off my tongue in a rapid sea of vapors
 
Small swirls of dragonflies skim over the air
Reflections dance in warm hushed lakes as foxes trot with care
 
Regret is falling though pools of elation
Jumping to passion that later falls to contemplation
 
Outside a window; the soft patter of snow
Steam drifts into air lit by the sun’s soft glow
 
But I’m still brought back to regret:
The constant thought of our secret journal
Long since blacked out but forever eternal
 
Sleepy stars hang in the glow of night
A cool soft breeze wiping out light

Heavy eyes shut under the warmth of thick quilts 
As the moon rises and the sun wilts 
 
Regret is what blooms into a field of release
When its weight leaves your mind; met transient ease
 
A hammock rocks with gentle sways
A pendulum swings and carries the weight away
 
But the vacant heavy still remains
It’s the ray of regret that will never decay

Performance

Process

My first draft of “Vacant Heavy” was a late night dump of my thoughts. It focused on the topic of regret and how it makes you physically and mentally feel. With my mentor Amanda’s help, I went in and added small snippets of the things that often distract us from negative emotions, playing with visuals and imagery that reflect tranquility in nature.