Miss Manners Guide to Preventing Tragedy

By Kimberly Dominguez

DEAR MISS MANNERS,

I had this old friend, Mr. Burr, with whom I recently had a falling out. It’s stupid, really. All I did was tell a newspaper a slight indiscretion. Then, suddenly I am challenged to a duel! I think he is overreacting. My inquiry is, what is the proper way to approach this? Is a DM too informal?

Alexander Hamilton

GENTLE READER,

Miss Manners means no disrespect to the classical tradition of the duel, however, she does believe in the civilized manner of solving disputes over an iced chai latte.

P.S. Good luck!

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DEAR MISS MANNERS,

I was recently in New York City working on a new fresco for the Rockefellers. Unfortunately, this did not go as planned as my Commie friends started circulating nasty memes (something about selling out). Because I was scared of getting canceled on Twitter, I drew a big fat Vladimir Lenin in the middle of my fresco. The next day, after stopping for a bacon, egg, and cheese, I walked into work to find some fools chipping my art off the wall! What do you think would be the best form of retaliation?

Diego Rivera 

GENTLE READER,

While Miss Manners would not like to disclose her personal politics, she suggests bribing members of Congress to impose a wealth tax.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS,

I had just posted a picture of my mid-afternoon cake with the caption “#blessed #cheatdayeveryday” when I received an onslaught of angry DMs from peasants with private profiles claiming I was insensitive since they didn’t have bread. The next thing I know, I get a GIF of a guillotine! Would it be impertinent to post a picture of my newly renovated palace?

Marie Antoinette 

GENTLE READER,
Miss Manners suggests taking a break from Instagram. She also suggests volunteering at a soup kitchen; remember to call the Daily Mail and TMZ in advance.